Robin Williams on the 2008 Election

Zach Braff's Ode to New Jersey

SNL on Election 2008: This is Hilarious!!!!!!

Ladies:

  

  This is the correct way to weigh yourself.

"Men Problems"

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems
start with MEN?

The Two Minute Haggadah: A Passover Service for the Impatient

By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers: Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.


Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. .There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:

Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punishedour enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the RedSea, it would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything. SERVE MEAL .

Boomers' Take on Born to Be Wild

This one is so funny it speaks for itself. For those 51 and older, click the picture...................................

Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... Until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:


Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores-- - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations- -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Amazing Cool Stuff

Although these don't qualify for "funniest", they are an exercise in some very cool things to check your brain power!

Read out loud the text inside the triangle








More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and . .
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that the word THE is repeated twice! Go ahead, look again.







Next, let's play with some words. .




In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualizes the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).


What do you see here?






This one is quite tricky! The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.







Test Your Brain -- This is really cool. And the second one is amazing so please read all the way though.




Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.



Reasoning:
The brain cannot process "OF"

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

[More Brain Stuff . . . . From Cambridge University ..]

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on!!

Psas Ti ON !

Aging Baby Boomers

This video is hysterical to those of us who are 45+..........

That "Special" Time of Life

A picture is worth a thousand words.......................

Sign That You are Driving Too Fast......

Wedding Invitation

The Latest Computer Upgrades

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER?
by Jeff Foxworthy

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words "It's Ms/Mr._________" and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.

6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep
period.

7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or
plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

9. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off."

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.

11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

17. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he made was a "good choice or a bad choice."

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.

Why Do We Have High Gas Prices?

Simple explanation. A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC. Any Questions?

Julie Andrews Turns 69!

Julie Andrews turns 69 - To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1st, Julie made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food, or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the
crowd that lasted over four minutes ... and repeated
encores.)

Newest Barbies Hit the Market

"Bensonhurst Barbie"

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Comopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.








"Bay Ridge Barbie"


This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She easily gets lost and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.







"Lower East Side Barbie"


This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)..unless you are a cop...then we don't know what you're talking about.





"Greenwich Connecticut Barbie"


She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-"huntin"










"Upper West Side Barbie"


This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able tp afford any of them.

Photos Taken at the Right Angle

My Job History

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just
wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a
sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I
sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I
didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I
just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool
Maintenance Company, but the work was just too
draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I
finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized
there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The

Final Way

To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Its Called .......

therapy.

Signs

I really love the one to the IRS!!

Pet Costumes for Halloween

We love our pets. Just see how these owners dressed up their dogs for Halloween this year!!

Why Women Live Longer Than Men

If Dads Raised the Kids

Multi-tasking would take on a new meaning.








Bath time would be a new experience.










Boys would read more.













Kids would be able to easily express their emotions.

Potty training wouldn't be necessary.

The ABC's of Aging

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Religion Can Be Funny!

Jewish Olympic Swimmers















How to Tell if Catholics are Driving too Fast